Learning to live for HIS glory

3 years today.   We've been married three years. And while there is much to tell from those years, Much joy, Much heartache, I've yet to tell the story of our engagement...! I figured today was a good day to reminisce :) If you missed the first part of our story, it starts here:  Our Love Story (Part 1) I had spent January (of 2016) in Missouri, And because of the complications that come with distance, Short engagements, And premarital counseling-- We both knew that the next time we saw each other Carl would ask, And I would say yes. His next visit was planned for March... Or so I thought! It was the eve of my 24th birthday. I was supposed to be at young adults, But due to a snowstorm I ended up staying home. Normally I would have talked with Carl on my way to young adults, But this night he had told me he'd be working late. Since I didn't go though, I think I sent him a text to let him know. It didn't go through. ...

He stands like a rock at the kitchen sink. "I love you, Allison Kate." It's one of those days,  I'm grouchy, and rather disgusted with myself for it. "You shouldn't love me right now." I say,  Turning to walk away. Why do we do that? Walk away from love that sees us at our worst, And chooses to stay? To pursue... To embrace. Why do we condemn ourselves? I'm convinced I've learned more about God's love through marriage than anywhere else. Through this refining fire, Carl chooses to love me... Even when I don't love myself. And as minutes go by, That love wins me over. And even though I start the evening feeling like picking a fight with someone, Those feelings don't stay. Does it take time? Yes. But I'm beginning to understand more how we love because He first loved us. He loved us and stayed, Stayed in our yucky moments. (Cause we all have them) Stayed when we fought a...

(If you haven't read the beginning of the story, it starts here:  Our Love Story (Part 1) Distance relationships have interesting dynamics. Like that one time we didn't see each other for a month and a half, And I began to wonder if this was real?   But it was, and is, And the next time we saw each other was sweeter because of it. I remember the first time Carl told me he loved me.   It was the weekend I first met his family, They're huge. (9 siblings compared to 3...plus all the kiddos...and they weren't even all there!) But despite being overwhelmed, I was also warmly welcomed,  And driving away, I remember him telling me, You fit in well. We were hiking later that weekend, Before I headed home. And at the top of a ridge, Where he had prayed about dating me, He handed me some Black-eyed Susan's, And said, "I love you." Three simple, yet not simple words, And I couldn't say them back. Yet. But he told me I didn...

(Missed the earlier installments?  The story starts here:  Our Love Story-Part One ) A week and a half after our first meeting, I was sitting at my desk at work, and had just told KJ to pray I would hear from him soon. (Or maybe I just needed patience?) Opening my facebook messages I discovered one that started with, "Dear Allison," And the rest is history. Just kidding, I'll tell you the rest of the story. ;) That message let me know that Carl wanted to get to know me better, Not just dating for fun, but seeking to see if God would lead our lives together toward marriage-- which HE did! :) BUT, at this point, we were practically strangers. Nevertheless, After he talked with my dad on the phone for a good couple hours, We started regularly calling each other, Skyping, and Facebook messaging. It wasn't long till we felt like we had known each other forever, And our regular phone calls turned to once a month visits, And all afternoon and evening Su...

This post picks up where the last one left off... With Carl and I anticipating, wondering, and both thinking We must be absolutely crazy to agree to meet each other. Saturday passed rather slowly if I remember correctly.  We messaged back and forth just a bit to set up where and when to meet at church the next morning.  He would meet me before my 8am Sunday school class.  Sunday morning arrived with more calm than anticipated.  I was nervous, but also at peace.  I arrived at church just a bit early, and had dear Eileen pray with me before he arrived.  Lauren and I were chatting when he walked in the door, and I decided I should probably go say hi.  It was just before class, so we introduced ourselves, shook hands, and found our seats.  His handshake was firm, so that was in his favor. :) We ended up spending most of the day together, till he had to leave mid-afternoon...but it was a busy day: church and then a lunch meeting with my ...

Can't say I ever saw it coming, but here we are . . .  5 months,  no, 4 months from saying "I do" and spending forever together.   Thinking back to the beginning makes me smile . . . It all started with a prayer meeting.  One I went to out of obedience, because I knew I needed to be there even though I wasn't feeling well that day.  Little did I know that God had his highlighter poised over my life that night.  I cared as well as I could for those hurting, talked with some strangers and headed home.  Life felt heavy.   Come to find out later, one of those strangers I'd talked to remembered me.  She remembered me because she thought I'd be perfect for her brother-in-law.  When Steph told me that's why Linda wanted to be my friend, I just laughed.  :)  I thought it was crazy, and nothing would ever come of it . . . I was wrong. God works in crazy ways?  Yes, He does, but His ways are ALWAYS higher and b...

If there's one thing I've been learning and being stretched in lately, it's this.  Loving--purely, wholly, genuinely, and without expectation.  It'd be nice if every time we reached out with love, the response we got was one where we felt loved in return.  Quite frankly, though, sometimes those who need love most, may not be able or willing to love us back the way we'd like them too.  And if I'm loving because I expect some sort of love in return...so what? Is that really love? Cause it sounds more like selfishness to me. Jesus, loved this way.  He gave of Himself, gave His life, without expecting us to respond in any certain way....He wants us to respond, asks us to respond, but He's not forcing anything on us.  Our response does nothing to change the fact He loves us, it just changes whether or not we receive His love. God is love. As I abide in love-- Lay down my life for others-- His love becomes perfected, In me. And the God of love, Abides ...

Some of the significant moments in October's journaling's from this past year... 2~Lord I pray that those who believe in Your name who are in Iraq and Syria right now would know You as their very real and very present Rock and Strength. Lord, use them to shine the light of Your love to their persecutors. 3~You are the One hearing my prayers...the One who my prayers move to action. You are worthy of being my God...I am not. 13~Learning so much Lord...at times it feels like I'm trying to drink from a fire hydrant. Teach me what You want me to learn? I have no idea where A's life is at this point, but I pray that you would continue to be the winner of his heart. He lives (or lived) in a rough city, Lord. No matter what comes, please point his eyes to You. May he be undone by Your greatness and his smallness. Give him a passion for the gospel, and use his life to spread Your glory throughout the world. 18~Thank You, Jesus, for this absolut...

Tidbits from my journaling's throughout September of 2014.   God sharpens and molds me as I process life on these pages, and I'll be forever thankful! 5~Lord and Father, Equip me by Your Spirit to live for a Kingdom that is coming, and not for this world. By the grace and glory of Jesus, through Your Holy Spirit within me, enable me to live by faith. In Jesus name, Amen 6~Only You can love these Isis men like You call us to...so I pray that You would do that supernaturally through Your people. Draw their hearts to You! 8~Puffy white clouds against a blue, blue sky. Cool breeze bantering with suns warm glow. Crickets in the cornfield; Cicadas in the treetops. A few early leaves fluttering down... Oh, I love fall! A bee sucks the nectar out of the last of summer's clover. Thank You, Lord, for surrounding me with all this beauty. Caressing me with the sun's warmth. Lord, let me rejoice about and be thankful for these lovely gift...

That predetermined yes... You know, The one we'd rather not have ......predetermined. But it is, He's Lord. Can there be any answer but yes? Yes through tears; Yes when there's pain; Yes to the easy; Yes to the hard; Yes. Wait, that's slavery You say. Well, yes. Yes, it is. But it's a chosen enslavement. We're all enslaved. Shocked? Shouldn't be. If someone or something else rules us not, We rule ourselves. So I choose yes. Yes, to His call. Yes, it hurts at times. No, it's not easy. But it's all worth it. Every. Single. Time. Yes, Lord. You asked, You offered. I said yes, To Love. In that Love, I am enslaved. My life-- changed. But no longer, Enchained. Saying yes to love and grace, Now I must extend that same, Love and grace. For peace in the sleepless nights,            Love through the ugliest mistakes,                       Hope in the hardest ...

As I stated in my first "year in review" post, these lines come from my journals over the course of the past year.  May you see the glory and power of God at work as you witness our relationship pictured in words! February: 2~In the middle of this crazy night...Jesus, point eyes to You. Protect women and girls. Change hearts of men who are destroyers, break them with sin, and make protectors. 5~I want to be a woman of much prayer! And I realize that will probably often mean being misunderstood . . . but I know there's a battle raging and I want to fight by Your side! 10~Thank You just for joy found in the little things. Like the fact that I am 22 =) That just makes me smile! 12~ Jesus , What am I going to do? Trust You? That would be the best plan, wouldn't it? It's hard sometimes! 18~I pray, Lord, that You would receive glory from our lives corporately and individually. Be present among us, and use us to encourage each other.  ...

Wait, When did those eyes staring back at me change? When did the girl become a woman? There's a story behind her eyes. Was it when she realized love hurts... But is still SO worth it? When the world became a little more black than white? Was it when life became a series of routine days? When joy became a choice? Or, I know, When the perfect walls came crashing down? Actually, no, I don't know. When does the face of a girl change? Behind the story in her eyes, I still see joy. Still see the girl inside. She's just . . . aware. Aware that joy is a choice, Love is a choice. Hard choices, Worthy choices. Her smile comes from the inside. Beauty shines as she chooses each day: Christ rules this life. May His glory shine.

It's a perfect night for dreaming, Ooh, oh, And I'm dreaming of you. As the sun kisses the autumn leaves, Colors clouds with a rose hue. It's a perfect night for dreaming, Ooh, oh, And I'm dreaming of you. As the sun kisses the autumn leaves, Colors clouds with a rose hue. Ooh, Oooh, oh, oOh, Ooh, oh, oOoh,  Ooh, Oooh, oh oOh, Ooh, Oohoh Oh Come soon,  Oh, come soon, Come soon, Oh come soon. It's a perfect night for dreaming, Come soon, Come soon. As the sun sets 'or the horizon, I'm wondering when, When will I see your face, Know Your smile and embrace Ooh Oooh, oh, oOh,  Ooh, oh, oOoh, Ooh, Oooh, oh oOh, Ooh, Oohoh Oh It's a perfect night for dreaming, Ooh Oh, Come soon. P.S. This post now has a song recording to go with it... :)   Dreaming

2~Thank You Lord for the many life moments You’ve given me to love! 4~Lord, this love is not just something I can whip up on my own.  It is a totally selfless love…and only You can birth it in my heart!  I pray that You would do so, Lord…that my love would be genuine. 6~ “For of His fullness we have all received, and grace upon grace.” ~John 1:16 7~ O Lord, I pray that You would give me seeing eyes…just the ability to see and understand the fallenness all around me (and within myself) and a heart to cry out to You on the world’s behalf. 11~Thank You for the Holy Spirit!  I love living with Him on the inside. 13~You know…but I’ll tell you anyways=) 17~ “It is faith that continually closes its eyes to the weakness of the creature, and finds its joy in the sufficiency of an Almighty Savior, that makes the soul strong and glad.  It gives itself up to be led by the Holy Spirit into an ever deeper appreciation of that wonderful Savior whom God hath...

2~Guard me from over-analyzing…and believing the lies of “Why?” that I’ve made up in my mind. 5~Precious One, woo my heart? . . . Enable me, I pray, to lay down all idols in order to make more room for You.  I don’t want You crowded out of my heart. 7~Thank You, Lord, for just how You’re showing me that You’ve put me where I am for a reason.  I pray that You would give me wisdom in knowing how to love K. right now . . . Encourage her heart Lord! 8~ Lord, oh, give me Your heart to see the lost, found!   I must die, Lord, my pride and self-righteousness, all must die…and be stripped away, that You would reign, and increase!   The reality of heaven and hell don’t sit with me on a moment-by-moment basis.   Lord, would You open my eyes to see that? 11~Today as I come and read Your Word and live in Your presence, continue to draw my heart away with Your sweet song of love! 12~My soul is thirsting to be cherished and to have a companion to walk thr...

Tidbits from September's thoughts . . . 3~Guard me from wanting the gifts for their own sake, or loving them for their own sake, and instead ignite by Your Holy Spirit a deeper desire and love for You! Thank You for entering into covenant with me, Lord! 12~Making pleasing people my god is soo exhausting!  Thank You for saving me from having to be enslaved to that!  I pray You would give me the courage, humility, and graciousness to live for You alone . . . remind me I don’t have to make everyone happy.  In fact, if I’m living for You, I’ll probably make some people mad.  But Lord, I pray You would fill me with Your Spirit’s grace and love to such a point that my only offense would be the gospel! 14~Honestly just so many thoughts running through my head right now.  You have placed the capability to dream within me, and yet I don’t want to let a good thing become a bad thing by letting it run away with me! Lord, the burdens of family, friends, and...

Musings from August of this past year... 3~That You spoke and this world came to be just boggles my mind! Walking as a child of light does not mean that I’m doing it perfect all the time, but that I am trying to learn what is pleasing to the Lord! 5~Do I see this world as a playground or a battlefield?  “Today men think…we are not here to fight, we are here to frolic.  We are not in a foreign land, we are at home.  We are not getting ready to live, we are already living.” ~A.W. Tozer 11~Lord, You are just as much my God as You are Pastor Keith’s God, as You are Eric and Leslie Ludy’s God, as You are Amy Carmichael and Corrie TenBoom’s God!  I pray, Lord, that You would reveal Your power in my life in mighty ways! 12~Lord, may Your life in me spring up as a wellspring of refreshing water. 16~ “Elijah was a man with a nature like ours, and he prayed earnestly that it would not rain, and it did not rain on the earth for three years and six months...

Snowflakes dancing their way down from the sky send a special ray of hope into this heart of mine.  I guess you could say it all goes back to that one day . . . was it really 5 years ago now? Wow. Time does fly. In the midst of a season where joy was oh so difficult to see, filled with doctor's visits and no energy . . . I remember this like it was yesterday.  Walking out of the doctor's office one afternoon, after another session of blood work (blood I didn't feel like I could afford to lose), the first flakes of snow were beginning to fall.  And I didn't need energy to enjoy their beauty.  In that moment, my Lord whispered, I love you , and He used the snow. So I guess, for me . . . the snow is a reminder of God's love.  Why?  Oh, I could probably give you a lot of really great reasons, but it's all really quite simple . . . and profound.  He's a personal God, and one difficult day some simple snowflakes reminded me of His love.  I suspect t...

I'm a recovering addict.  And I suspect those of you reading this are either on the caught up in or trying to get out of side of an addiction.  We're all seeking meaning in life.  Joy.  Hope.  Peace. Love. Problem is, we live in a messed up, twisted, evil world.  It can't deliver on any of those desires.  Neither can anything in it. Where do you run to escape?  When life is cruel, hard, hurts . . . ?  Where do you let your mind go when you just need to "get away"--when you're craving peace?   I know my drug of choice.  It's getting caught up in the dream world of fiction.  Letting myself believe, if only for the hour it takes to devour a book, that the world can be a much more perfect place.  Getting wrapped up in the life of some imaginary person so that I don't have to face the struggles and problems in mine.   For years, I didn't recognize my addiction for what it was.  After all, wasn't it normal for...

Lately these eyes have been watery often.  In some ways that's good.  In some ways, hard.  "Tears wash the windows of our souls, and afterwards we can see ourselves more clearly." ~Robin Jones Gunn I'll testify to the truth of that quote.  There is something so refreshing and cleansing about tears.  Yet sometimes I just want to get them all out, while they seem to remain bottled up inside.  Tears come, but they stop before I know I'm finished crying . . . and so I wait, wondering when the next ones will fall. Do I need to just get away for a day?  Someplace where I can work through everything in stillness before the Lord and have a good, long hard cry?  These thoughts have been heavy on my mind the past few weeks. Last night though, I realized something.  I realized that the Lord is walking with me through each moment, and maybe, just maybe, this is meant to be a journey.  Maybe it's not meant to all be resolved in one sitting. ...