Learning to live for HIS glory

He stands like a rock at the kitchen sink. "I love you, Allison Kate." It's one of those days,  I'm grouchy, and rather disgusted with myself for it. "You shouldn't love me right now." I say,  Turning to walk away. Why do we do that? Walk away from love that sees us at our worst, And chooses to stay? To pursue... To embrace. Why do we condemn ourselves? I'm convinced I've learned more about God's love through marriage than anywhere else. Through this refining fire, Carl chooses to love me... Even when I don't love myself. And as minutes go by, That love wins me over. And even though I start the evening feeling like picking a fight with someone, Those feelings don't stay. Does it take time? Yes. But I'm beginning to understand more how we love because He first loved us. He loved us and stayed, Stayed in our yucky moments. (Cause we all have them) Stayed when we fought a...

For those of you who may not know, a few weeks ago I finished up 4 weeks of just about drowning in school work as I attempted to fit in a month long intensive training course in ESL before the wedding.  There were many times I wanted to quit, but God's sustaining grace kept me going.  And it's official folks, I passed!  I am a CELTA graduate.  (<-that sentence may well be the largest accomplishment of my life thus far.)   But you know what?  More than being a CELTA graduate, this month helped me see my true identity with a clearer gaze.  There's nothing like having so much to do you're sure you can't get it done, praying for the strength and wisdom to somehow make it through, and seeing God answer those prayers day-in and day-out.  Physically spent and mentally exhausted, I realized more this month than ever before that I am a weak woman indwelled by an all powerful God.   In that place of utter weakness, I found grace to carry ...

2~I really do love this life You have given me. Not because its easy or anything like that, the pages of these journals testify otherwise. But I love watching You show up, and seeing Your threads of grace woven through the year as I look back. 5~Those who believe in Jesus alone to save them had a beginning...but they will have no end. This boggles my mind. Thank You for being so much bigger than me! 9~Jesus, You want my life to bring You glory even more than I do...so please do lead me in Your way. 11~Please provide an environment where she can be J...the wonderful and unique woman You have created her to be. 20~Dare I be real? I feel so complicated and scattered. Being here reminds me of a piece of my life that feels...yes, surreal. Yet its shaped and molded me into who I am today . . . Can I be me...truly? All the complexities and twists to the story without worrying about people not understanding? Because, they probably won't understand...at lea...

I really dislike being the kind of sick I can't do anything about.  Laid up in bed until the virus runs it course.  I'd so much rather have  a cold . . . I can fight those. However, as I lay in bed yesterday... hoping, praying to retain liquids... this thought hit me: Sin's like this. Yesterday I had no choice but to rest and trust that God's made my body with an ability to heal.  There was nothing I could do to make myself get better.  Sure I could be wise and not eat chocolate...but even so, I was still sick. And so it is with sin--the sickness that we've all got.  There's no home remedy we can follow to heal ourselves.  No over the counter medicines.  The only thing that brings healing, that gives us an ability to live an abundant life, is grace.  Undeserved grace. "And you were dead in your trespasses and sins . . . But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our ...

In church this morning we talked about pornography.  Heavy stuff.  However, I came out of church encouraged and thankful.  Almost in tears because of how overwhelmed I was (and still am) by the grace of God! I was reminded of this post from back in November:  Thoughts of a Recovering Addict .  I won't tell the story again (you can read it), but Pastor Keith hit the nail on the head when he said, "A woman needs to feel something, and so her porn might be in words that touch her emotionally--romance novels that portray the ideals of new love, depicting a woman being swept off her feet by a hero."    I applaud him for saying that, because ...That's my story... And I know I wouldn't be where I am today if God had not, in His marvelous grace, provided me with a wake up call like the one Pastor Keith offered this morning. Because, I can tell you right now, it's a sneaky addiction.  It doesn't look that wrong!  It's just a book (or to be ...

2~Thank You Lord for the many life moments You’ve given me to love! 4~Lord, this love is not just something I can whip up on my own.  It is a totally selfless love…and only You can birth it in my heart!  I pray that You would do so, Lord…that my love would be genuine. 6~ “For of His fullness we have all received, and grace upon grace.” ~John 1:16 7~ O Lord, I pray that You would give me seeing eyes…just the ability to see and understand the fallenness all around me (and within myself) and a heart to cry out to You on the world’s behalf. 11~Thank You for the Holy Spirit!  I love living with Him on the inside. 13~You know…but I’ll tell you anyways=) 17~ “It is faith that continually closes its eyes to the weakness of the creature, and finds its joy in the sufficiency of an Almighty Savior, that makes the soul strong and glad.  It gives itself up to be led by the Holy Spirit into an ever deeper appreciation of that wonderful Savior whom God hath...

Scribblings, prayers, and music from March of the year just past . . . 1~May every moment of my days be saturated with You. 2~You are enough, Lord!  I choose to believe that’s true, because it is, even when it doesn’t feel like it.  Truth over emotion! 3~On my own I would respond with impatience and frustration . . .  I need Your grace to flow through me.  To think through me. 5~It’s hard, Lord, my eyes are filled with tears and I don’t really know how to extend grace.  I love her, but I don’t really know how to love.  Teach me, please! . . .  Lord, when it seems impossible to love, love through me…when it seems impossible to forgive, forgive through me…when it seems like the only option is bitterness, show me the higher way. 7~Fill me with Yourself and make me a gracious woman. 8~Lord, what does it mean to desire nothing but You on this earth?  Could You help me understand that? 10~You know, Lord, that if I try to do th...

Inspired by a dear friend of mine who writes over at  http://purejoyandpoetry.blogspot.com/ ... I've been reading through my journals from the past year and pulling out bits and pieces . . . remembering what the Lord has taught and done, the blessings and the struggles! 1~Jesus, may this be a year in which I seek You wholeheartedly.  Give me eyes open wide to see Your glory…I am such a human, Lord! Holy Spirit would You come and fill this life more and more? You who live to pray, would You fill me with Your life? . . . And as I pray, would You guide my praying and use my feeble attempts for the advancement of Your kingdom? Instead of focusing on how inadequate I am, Lord teach me to focus on You, and how perfectly adequate You are. 2~Thank You that I can call You Father and come to You as a child . . . Lord, teach me how to live this day. 3~ Holy Spirit, would You in me train my emotions to line up with truth? Lord, burn away the mediocrity, and gi...

I'm a recovering addict.  And I suspect those of you reading this are either on the caught up in or trying to get out of side of an addiction.  We're all seeking meaning in life.  Joy.  Hope.  Peace. Love. Problem is, we live in a messed up, twisted, evil world.  It can't deliver on any of those desires.  Neither can anything in it. Where do you run to escape?  When life is cruel, hard, hurts . . . ?  Where do you let your mind go when you just need to "get away"--when you're craving peace?   I know my drug of choice.  It's getting caught up in the dream world of fiction.  Letting myself believe, if only for the hour it takes to devour a book, that the world can be a much more perfect place.  Getting wrapped up in the life of some imaginary person so that I don't have to face the struggles and problems in mine.   For years, I didn't recognize my addiction for what it was.  After all, wasn't it normal for...