6.7.18

My heart is full today as I count my blessings...

We had an ultrasound done this morning,

And got to see a beautiful little baby boy-

A strong heartbeat,

Perfect fingers and toes...

God is an awesome Creator.

I am thankful.  

And I suppose I am more thankful for this life-

Simply because I've lost a child.

Children are a miracle, 

From conception to the day they're born, and beyond.

So today, even as we rejoice in our little buddy that will soon make our family a threesome,

We also remember that we really are four.  

And in God's perfect sovereignty,

He chose to take our first little one,

But this little guy He has chosen to protect thus far.

We're grateful.

And in awe of His awesome power.

Life is precious, 

Both lives lost and lives gained.

Motherhood is a gift-

And also a challenge...

And although my journey to motherhood has not happened the way I thought it would,

I'm thankful to be a Mommy, 

Both to our sweet Marriah Joy who we will never hold in our arms,

And to this precious little boy joining our family in October.  

We rejoice in God's goodness in giving us these children,

And we are thankful He has seen us through dark days of grief.

Days and moments still come where we grieve,

But He has brought us through fire, 

And continues to do so,

As He refines our lives like gold. 

I've been refreshing some memory work in Psalm 145 recently.  

And thinking on how my mouth out to speak the praise of the Lord,

Ought to tell of His mighty works which He has done.

I guess this post is one attempt to do that...

If you want to read a post written much closer to the rawness of losing Marriah,

You can do so here.

It's been unpublished till now, but has remained unedited from the time I wrote it.

Today I am thanking God for what He's brought us through,

And for where He's taking us.

For the life He took away, 

And also for the life He gave.

He is good.

I am learning to trust that even in the most difficult of times.

I'll leave you with the words of Psalm 145 from the NASB:

"I will extol You, my God, O King,

And I will bless Your name forever and ever.

 Every day I will bless You,

And I will praise Your name forever and ever.

Great is the Lord, and highly to be praised,

And His greatness is unsearchable.

One generation shall praise Your works to another,

And shall declare Your mighty acts.

On the glorious splendor of Your majesty

And on Your wonderful works, I will meditate.

Men shall speak of the power of Your awesome acts,

And I will tell of Your greatness.

They shall eagerly utter the memory of Your abundant goodness

And will shout joyfully of Your righteousness.

The Lord is gracious and merciful;

Slow to anger and great in lovingkindness.

The Lord is good to all,

And His mercies are over all His works.

All Your works shall give thanks to You, O Lord,

And Your godly ones shall bless You.

They shall speak of the glory of Your kingdom

And talk of Your power;

To make known to the sons of men Your mighty acts

And the glory of the majesty of Your kingdom.

Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom,

And Your dominion endures throughout all generations.

The Lord sustains all who fall

And raises up all who are bowed down.

The eyes of all look to You,

And You give them their food in due time.

You open Your hand

And satisfy the desire of every living thing.

The Lord is righteous in all His ways

And kind in all His deeds.

The Lord is near to all who call upon Him,

To all who call upon Him in truth.

He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him;

He will also hear their cry and will save them.

The Lord keeps all who love Him,

But all the wicked He will destroy.

My mouth will speak the praise of the Lord,

And all flesh will bless His holy name forever and ever."