Seasons of the Unexpected

I decided to pick some words to describe this season of life 

Carl and I have found ourselves in since our wedding in August.

This is what I came up with:

Sweet, beautiful, painful,

and really, really hard.

There, I said it.

It's funny really,

People expected this season would be hard,

We actually did too.  

But it wasn't...

At least not in the way we expected.

I miss my family and friends,

yes.

But not having to say goodbye to Carl has been wonderful.

And for us,

At least most days,

Homesickness has not been a huge issue.

Like we thought it would...

Like we were preparing for...

Instead our challenges have come out of left field.

We've gone through the normal newlywed stuff...

Adjusting to life together,

Arguing,

Figuring out how to disagree and be okay with it

(who am I kidding?  I'm still not okay with it!)

Growing, hopefully!

But what has really rocked us was not something we at all expected.

Health.  

It's been a mystery, really.

We've been to doctors 

(more than I care to mention...and the tally's growing)

Everyone's had their theory,

Their idea of what will make it better...

Many of those theories we've tried, 

Most have made things worse.

(Not blaming, just honest)

And I'm the one at fault.  

Did I say that?

Ha.  That's how I feel.

It's funny, 

When our bodies break down, 

How we take the blame.

Say we should be able to make ourselves better.

Think we ought to be invincible.

Forget our mortality.

Our finiteness.

Or is that "forgetfulness,"

Simply coping?

If I blame me...

Does that help me not blame God?

And if I ask that question,

And we've prayed,

And others have prayed,

And I'm not better,

And we feel no closer to having answers,

Then another question quickly follows:

Does God even love me?

It's not pretty, friends, 

But it's where I've been.

And in a lot of ways, 

It's where I still am.

Today's a better day,

Otherwise I wouldn't have the courage to write this.

But there's a lot of emotional up and down.

When you're dealing with a health issue that's a mystery,

It consumes a lot of mental power just figuring out what to do next.

I appear healthy,

It's just I don't feel that way...

And I don't think I'm going crazy.

There are days I start crying just from the sheer exhaustion of looking at options.

Days I just don't want to tell the story one more time.

Days I just want to forget about analyzing symptoms.

But there are always questions when we get to the doctors,

"When did this start?"

"How intense?"

"What medicines are you taking?"  

"What about this?"

And so I continue to track and analyze,

And try to stay on top of the signs my body's giving me.

Sometimes my mind feels like it's running on health mode 24/7.

And let me tell you,

It's exhausting.

But do I just give up?  

Try to ignore the plaguing symptoms,

And paste a smile on my face?

Or hide in bed all day?

None of those are good options.

And so here I am.

Stuck in the in-between.

The already, not-yet of redemption.

It's a one step at a time journey.

One where I need to find the balance between 

letting my mind and body rest,

doing purposeful things so I don't waste my life,

figuring out next steps,

and just trying to stay sane,

It's a tricky tight-rope.

Most of all though, 

My job right now is clinging tight to the God I fear.

The one who can handle my questions,

Who sticks even when my faith feels gone,

And who faithfully loves,

Even when I don't get it.

And there have been lots of days I've questioned that love,

Days I didn't believe it existed.

In fact I'd say my faith has been rocked these past 7 months more than ever before,

And yet,

In the quiet and still moments, 

And in the hectic and crazy,

He reminds me He's near.

With 11am Dr. appointments on days when a time earlier or later would have meant canceling something or going alone,

With books that preach hard truth into the hardness of what I'm in the midst of,

With a husband who holds me when I cry and can't sleep,

With moments I feel close to normal 

And can live and love and laugh without a thought to symptoms.

With the little things...

The things I blog about regularly,

The Thankful Thursday things...

But it's a battle.

And in the middle of all this...mess.

I'm trying to navigate a new community,

Learn how to be a wife,

Find purpose in a new day to day that seems to constantly change,

And my mom's a 1,000 miles away.

That's the hard,

That's the painful.

That's life.

And I'm sure yours has its own hard,

Its own painful.

If this can remind you that you're not alone...

that others struggle with some of your questions too,

Then praise God. 

I don't have all the answers. 

Don't have many, actually.  

But as I'm walking this road,

This I know,

God is faithful,

And He is good.

And when my circumstances cast those truths into shadow,

I need to remember this is not my home,

And if He can be glorified in the here and now by my weakness,

Then, Lord help me,

Let me be weak.

If He can draw my heart closer to Him through pain and sickness than through wellness,

Then I want that.

And when I don't want that,

I want to want that.

That's probably closer to where I'm at.

The wanting to want that.

But truth written and spoken and sung,

Has a way of working itself into my head and heart quicker 

Than if I just think it.

And so I write,

And sing,

I speak,

And pray,

Come what may.