Story of my Life

I discovered this in my computer as I was going through some files.  I wrote it about 2 years ago . . . its just a small piece of the story of my life, but it describes a really rough period of time, and the Lord's faithfulness to see me through.  Perhaps someday I'll write the other pieces of this story, but without further adieu:

The cold whispers through my window pane as I sit here tonight. Black branches and trunks silhouette against a dark satin sky. Inside my heart there burns a story . . . a story begging to be told. Can I find the words? I hope so, I pray so.

It’s crazy how fast years can fly by. Looking back I see how much has changed, how God has worked. I stand amazed. In awe of Him this silent night . . . how He has worked and is. A year and half a year or so, takes us back to springtime 2011, the beginning of a season when dreams began to shatter. Don’t you know? Often beauty and healing only come through pain.

I didn’t understand. They didn’t want us! Why? God brought us so far, but only to send us back home? Home. Ha. If it even was home. This felt like home now . . . my people were here. Back there? Well it felt strange. I didn’t fit, how could I? My life had changed, my perspective, my dreams. No longer did I believe there was only one possible path for my life. But this, this didn’t fit the plan. God?! I didn’t understand.

Pushing it away I walked day by day. The topic was taboo. No one spoke of it . . . how I wished they would! Silence made me wonder what they thought. Meetings dragged on and on. While I grew more and more sure, we were done. Meanwhile in all uncertainty, some other things I was working through. The future loomed ahead and so many options presented themselves. Ellerslie, Haiti? Well reverse the order, that’s how God led.

Before Haiti He taught me endurance, threw a chainsaw in my hand, some Marines in my path. Don’t worry, I didn’t cut them down, just trees! But mostly I prayed and I drug, while watching the men do some dangerous stuff. It was a long ten days, enough to enforce, the lesson that I am not strong enough. However, my Jesus, He is—even more. So relying on Him, that lesson I learned.

Some books helped me come to the place I could trust, Jesus and His Word, and so walk through this door. Piper and Chan, they both played a part. To take me to Haiti, Jesus had to change my heart. Excitement over God’s work and His leading soon became replaced by fear, and thoughts of incapability. How could I survive Haiti, when my father it overwhelmed? But through those books and time serving after Irene, God gently reminded that it wouldn’t be me.

In Haiti my senses went on overload. The love and joy there, blessed and challenged me to the core. While sitting in my shack one afternoon, I emailed Miss Sandi, knowing I wanted more of Him. Through my time in Haiti and Psalm 73, God asked me to stop seeking answers, start seeking Him. So right there in Haiti I emailed to check, if the spring semester had room for one more.

In the airport after traveling for many hours, I longed to hold Jacob, I ached to speak Creole. The man sitting behind me had such a hopeless tale. Cynical, distrusting, I pray he found the Lord. Compared to the joy those in Haiti had shown, this man on vacation seemed needy somehow.

Back with my family, I had to adjust. Culture shock hit me, body and mind. As I went ahead with my Ellerslie plans, our move from LA seemed more and more sure. The news finally came, we’d been waiting to hear. We’d be in a different place by this time next year. So knowing my family would be moving and soon, I received a call letting me know I was in. Perfect timing, the sarcasm rung . . . now I’ll be leaving one state, coming “home” to another. I toyed with suggesting I wait till the summer, but God was in charge, so I let go and remembered. Remembered His perfect timing thus far, remembered His plans were far better than mine.

At Ellerslie I learned how to reckon the truth. Not just say I believe it, but really to live it. My soul stirred and challenged, I came away reeling. So much to process, now in real living . . . .

I adjusted to living with family again, adjusted to Pennsylvania weather and friends. It was a process I knew would surely be tough, but God gave the grace, and through it I grew. The Lord, He provided, a job, some friends, and purposeful things to fill up my time.

Near the end of the summer my health got quite rough, energy disappeared, and pain settled in. Through all of the rough spots, I was studying Romans. God used it and those that I studied it with, to encourage, challenge, and fill me with hope. Those friends in that group, I can’t say enough. They surrounded me, prayed for me, loved me, checked in on me . . . really just showed me that Jesus is real.